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Monday, December 21st, 2009

wildwhitney

10:48p display: let go i have been feeling real odd lately it could be the fact that i have had to give up everything i used to do. everything i liked to do. or it could be the fact that i am so far from what is so familiar people, places, that home feeling i have created my own little home feeling here and i have learned to love that feeling i am very uncertain of what my future holds i am happy, i am sad, i am lost i sometimes wish i was found. i need a break from reality i need a break from this same old crap i need a break to find myself i want to find myself i need to find myself only so many people understand what its like to give it all up before you feel your really ready to. before your done feeling selfish i will learn to let that go and i will learn thats just how life goes its all just funny to me how a year ago how everything was so different and how i would have never seen myself here or doing the things im doing or better yet being able to what im doing. it kind of scares me the position that ive been put in because when it comes down to it its all me just me what if i just walked away walked away from it all and just never looked back or where would my life be a year from now? where would i be who would i be with what in the world would i be doing i just wanted to make it all right i still do sometimes i dont understand why i try so hard or why i give a shit so much but i do and that will never change but who knows what will happen a year from now?

(saturday as usual)

yourapostrophe

4:23p Ho Ho Ho Christmas is right around the corner. 4 days away. It doesn't feel like Christmas. No Snow. Hardly any excitement. I didn't ask for anything. I'm still not done with my own shopping. We've watched a few movies, bought a few presents, sent out cards, decorated.... so on some days it feels like that warm, comfy, free spirited holiday is about us, but other days life gets in the way and you forget... What is even more commercialized about my holiday is that this year I am not so sure that I am too fond of the whole Jesus story and there for am celebrating Dec. 25th for the mere excuse to give and receive presents. Oh dear, what have I came to? I can not say that is entirely true. My family and I never really sat down and said, "Happy Birthday Jesus" ever, but the day was more so used to really remember how important we all are to each other. And I still feel that way, despite the amount of money that is spent.

(saturday as usual)

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

_mynamehere_

11:00a any good christmas albums i should know about? current music: Bright Eyes - White Christmas | Powered by Last.fm

(5 didn't call | saturday as usual)

Saturday, December 19th, 2009

yourapostrophe

1:05p that was easy....? I haven't done this in awhile. Sometimes I do it when i don't need to, and sometimes, I find, after doing it I am aware of a whole new "me" hiding inside.I pull out thoughts by the end of the entry that I wasn't even aware of. That's what brings me here right now. Hoping my true feelings will come flying out and what I truly need to do will make itself very apparent. Without mentioning names, bc you just never know, I hope to spill my guts and pick them back up again. And hopefully feel good about it in the end. Here I sit and twiddle my thumbs. Where do I begin. Um.... I am undecided. I try to do the right thing. I am tired of doing the right thing. Sometimes it is fun to piss people off, if they deserve it. Sometimes I try to make things easier for myself, despite the consequences, but hardly ever do I follow through with that. I eventually end up trying to make it better. This time I feel as though it is not worth trying to make better. But am I wrong? I could be. Things used to be decent. People change. I've changed. I like who I have become. I don't like "you". I can honesty say that. And I don't really think "you" like me either. So why do we play this idiotic game? To please whoever is watching? To pretend to be the good guy for whoever else is watching? Let me clue you in, "you" never were, and probably never will be the good guy. "You" are all too selfish! But what if you changed your mind. What if THIS time you really did change your mind and I am the one screwing it up. Why do I have to wait around for "you". I'm over it. Why do things always go "your" way? "You" shouldn't have screwed it up so badly to begin with and not cared about it! So that's out and cleared. There is no making it better. There never will be. What they hell do I do about it? Do I play along for those who are watching. Can I ask what the point in that is....? Can we not just announce it's over and go our separate ways!? I don't make a point to see "you", don't make a point to see me, and if I see "you" in the grocery store I will kindly wave, say hi, and ask how you have been. Bc I still care about your well being. Will I feel alone if I don't play the game. Is crappy company better than none at all? But I have very important people in my life that ARE worth the time. Why do I waste time on the others? But the others of the others (if that makes any sense in my attempt to be desecrate) come as a package deal. You could loose it all. Just like that. Bc, again, things have changed. Maybe not. My attempt to look for the positive: Allows me to see the few I care about. I take that back. I can see them anytime. I am being the better person. But I take that back as well, bc being the better person with these ppl get me nowhere. Sometimes being the better person with these people puts me further behind, if you can believe that... much further behind for that matter. It will atleast give you the feeling of normalcy. Is it worth it if it's fake, cheap, and heartless? I take that back as well. There are worse people out there. That's the ONLY thing I can come up with as a positive. honestly. can you believe it. The positive situation in all this is that there are ppl in this word that actually suck more than they do.... That's not a positive incase you haven't noticed! I will not take the time to elaborate on all the negatives... there's too many. Can I reflect upon my selfish positives? Such as if I go along with this, that helps out other people. If I go along with this I am not the ONLY one left behind incase I was wrong. Didn't I already justify the fact that I am not wrong.... and it's too late for them to be right. AND if I am wrong this time, don't I have the same time allowance to figure that out as they did. It took them 3 years to be right. But you know what I bet. The secind I am wrong, that diminishes all my chanced to ever be right again. Fuck it. I'm done.

(saturday as usual)